The Many Adventures of Mr. Banana

One day, a large, white, ugly gorilla appeared at our house. Now, Arianna has brought home other students’ sweaters, notebooks, graded assignments, used Band-Aids, and even socks, but the gorilla was a first. Still, I knew that it must be her contribution to my décor, because IT was sitting on my couch next to her backpack.

Mr. Banana is pleased to make your acquaintance.

This is the English teacher’s idea of making journaling FUN. Mr. Banana spends a week with each student and writes about his adventures each day in Mr. Banana’s Journal. Oh, yes, it’s true. In fact, the journal has become a scrapbook by now.

I was not absolutely opposed to Mr. Banana’s presence until I realized that this very large, unwashable doll had spent countless weeks in the homes, cars, and beds of Arianna’s schoolmates. When I received that information, Mr. Banana was demoted from the couch to the floor.

Still, our generous hearts could not deprive this unwanted family member of the basic necessities, including food, clothing, amusement, and quality family time. In fact, Mr. Banana was privileged to join us on a trip to the Bay area, where Kirk’s Monson relatives live.

I could share Mr. Banana’s journal entries with you, but I truly feel that his Many Adventures are even better represented by these telling photos. Enjoy.

       

California Driver’s Examination

Well, I am finally a true resident and official voter of the Golden State.

This designation did not come without some nerves and prayers, however. Despite the fact that I have passed driver’s tests in Nevada, Michigan, Indiana, and Pennsylvania, I still experienced severe dread leading up to this necessity. This pit-of-the-stomach terror is my best projection of what the scriptures call “the fear of the damned.” In short, when I enter a DMV (DOT out East), I become 15 ½ again: my reputation, my pride, and my future depend upon my ability to decipher a list of trick questions designed by disgruntled bureaucrats.

After studying the five online sample tests at the California DMV web site, and after praying to be spared some unnecessary humiliation (Kirk having failed the Indiana driver’s test initially), I naively believed that I was ready to confront my fears. Imagine my shock and horror when I first read over the real driver’s examination and could spot only two “sample test” questions!

I didn’t even know what California’s legal blood alcohol level was! But, based on the fact that California is the most legalistic state in America (every permanent structure in the state must warn you that its integral features may kill you), I was surprised that 0% legal B.A.L. was not an available answer! After all, it is illegal to smoke in a car if you have a passenger who’s less than 18 years of age. Wouldn’t it be even more life-threatening to that passenger if the driver had alcohol in his/her system while driving?!

But, on the other hand, the state does take considerable pride in Napa Valley.  So I selected 0.08% as my answer—knowing that 0.08 is the percentage allowed by most states—and was ultimately pleased to discover that I was correct and that California is at least average in some legal aspects!

In fact, I passed my fifth driving test with relative ease, but not necessarily because of my own ingenuity. After all, the state has as many vineyards as beaches; resultantly, it has to accommodate the sun-scorched brains of surfer dudes. So your 36-question test includes a certain quantity of fluff to inflate otherwise hopeless scores.

Here are some of my favorite questions.

You were parked and have been waiting a long time with your turn signal on to re-enter traffic. However, traffic is heavy. You should

a. Continue waiting and yielding to traffic in the lane

b. Slowly inch your vehicle into the traffic lane

c. Drive on the shoulder until a gap in traffic appears.

(Pennsylvanians would, of course, think that b and c are the correct answers, but most Californians seem to have either more sense or more patience.)

Which of the following blocks the smooth flow of traffic?

a. Slowing down to look at an accident scene

b. Avoiding unnecessary lane changes

c. Using public transportation instead of your car

(Funny that "a chicken crossing the road" is not an option.)

You are approaching an intersection at the posted speed limit when the signal light turns yellow. You should:

a. Slow down and proceed through the intersection without caution

b. Speed up to cross the intersection before the light turns red

c. Stop before entering the intersection, if you can do so safely

(Again, in Pennsylvania, this question would really stymie drivers. Happily for Californians, the motion-activated cameras posted at intersections have made the state’s position on yellow and red lights very clear.)

You want to park downhill on a two-way road and there is no curb. Which way do you turn your front wheels?

a. So they face straight ahead

b. Right—towards the side of the road

c. Left—towards the center of the road

(I suppose your answer might vary from someone else’s based on the age and traceability of your vehicle. Mom and Dad, go with answer c.)

Which of these is a safe driving practice?

a. Using your high-beam lights in the fog

b. Staring at the road ahead of your vehicle

c. Checking your rearview mirrors frequently

(It’s worth saying that fog is more interesting when lit up.)

And don't worry if some of these questions made you pause and think. After all, you can miss 6 of the 36 and still pass!

Valentine's Day advertisement :-P

Forget dinner and a movie!
Let's go get our hair done together!

Now, there's togetherness! We can get our hair shampooed simultaneously, then cut, dryed, and styled! Of course, our chairs will be side by side, which means that we can hold hands and gaze into each other's eyes throughout the whole appointment!

Is there any better way to celebrate this special, couple-themed holiday?

SPOILER - answers to post-Christmas quiz

[Many of the answers have coordinating photos on our Picasa site.] 

Have you ever posed in front of a Christmas tree with your feet in the sand? Keyne, Kirk, Arie, Carlos

And have you ever actually seen Santa’s sleigh, much less his skiff? Next to the Christmas tree, on the way to the climb up to the Shake Shack 

How many MUSSELS did Nick and company crush? 3 

How many muscles did Lauren feed to seagulls? 1

What was the best part of lunch at the Shake Shack—the fabulous shakes or the darling bouquets that Trevyn brought his mommy? you pick!

How many kids thought that they should have rights to—or possession of—Jonathan’s new collection of cars? Jonathan; Trevyn; Carlos (not pictured); and maybe Sabrina; Jen, if she's still a kid  ;)

Who did Papa spoil with a Wii gaming console and several new games? Arie and Carlos

And does Papa Claus have a skiff?  No, the "flotation device" went to another loving family

Which person found his height advantageous when playing tetherball against the rising generation? Kirk

And which toddler nearly received a head wound during the game? Trevyn

The two adult sports fans challenged each other to a game with sticks and balls, but it wasn’t baseball. What was it? Poolside Pool!

Which child did not buy a book but still spent his/her Borders allowance? Carlos, on a red Thomas the Train character

How many people finished their entrées at the Cheesecake Factory, and how many people ordered dessert? I don't have the answer, but K&L each got a yummy dessert, and L didn't finish her entree

How many charms are on Kristina’s aunt bracelet? How many birthstones? Charms = 7?  Birthstones = # of kids, so 8 [Charms = Indiana, Hollywood, Dove, Nana, Christ, Dog Bone, K]

Some of the family prolonged the vacation in favor of celebrating New Year’s Eve at Disneyland. Which child stayed in the actual park past midnight? Brayden

What rides at Disneyland and California Adventureland will Arianna ride, but her older cousins will not? Splash Mountain, Screamin', the big freefall ride, and ?Tower of Terror?

Which character did Carlos kiss, and which did he diss? Kiss = Lightning McQueen, Diss = Mater (he's old and dirty)

How many times did Keyne go on Soarin’? 2, which was not enough  :)

The Pursuit of Higher Something-or-other

So, I’ve been toying with the idea of getting a teaching certificate in secondary education. I had always intended to complement my B.A. in French and English with an M.A. in one (or both) subjects, but that plan went on hold when Kirk enrolled in Medtronic’s rotating leadership program. The fact that we have to move in 2011 and 2013 complicates my immediate ability to continue my studies; furthermore, I have unhappily discovered that most universities in SoCal no longer offer Master’s degrees (in favor of full Doctoral degrees).

Well, whether or not my educational prospects brighten in the next few years, Señor Carlos will soon be ready for preschool and then kindergarten. What’s a mama to do without her favorite pastime? Have my early motherhood years ended so soon?

The answer, right now at least, seems to be yes. Part of that is because Guatemalan adoptions are still on an indefinite hold, and we have not yet felt drawn to any other family-building venue. (Maybe Guatemala is on hold because it knows that I am waiting for it to make the next move.) I’ve considered fostering kids, but, again, Medtronic’s rotation program makes that seem a bit unrealistic (and very unstable!).

Obviously, there are many more issues surrounding my thoughts on returning to school (not that it was really ever something that I planned on procrastinating in the first place), but the empty spot in the future looms the largest. Could I find ways to be happy at home without my highly kissable and chocolaty son?

Anyway, I’ve attended a couple of meetings about certifying as a teacher AND as a teacher in California. The idea seems kind of daunting, but exciting at the same time. I didn’t really ever believe that I could like teaching until I worked as a classroom-based mentor for IUPUI’s French Department. I LOVED generating learning materiel and brainstorming on some of the many ways to reinforce learning. And, the classroom scene wasn’t so terrifying. Most importantly, it would really be a good indicator to me as to whether or not I should keep my M.A. goal—sort of like the Associate’s version of a Bachelor’s degree.

Of course, I would have to start this process in California, the state replete with laws and bereft of funding! Here are some oddities that I’ve learned about the certification requirements here.

-          Teachers with a M.A. or M.S. only make $1,000 more annually than teachers with a Bachelor’s degree and certification.

-          Having an M.A. or M.S. does NOT signify that you have “core competency” in your subject, so you still have to go through the 1-year certification program.  !!?!!

-          Although certain A.P. exams may have counted towards your Bachelor’s degree, they cannot substitute for the actual class when it comes to teaching. So, some future teachers will find themselves back in freshman history before they can even begin the certification process!

-          You may be required to know information from classes that were not required for your Bachelor’s degree. For example, if you want to teach math, you’ll need to know some physics. (And there’s a different certification for teaching “fundamental” math versus calculus.)

-          You need to spend 45 hours in the classroom before you can start the certification program.

-          You don’t need to be CPR certified until you start student teaching full time (3^rd quarter). It seems obvious that K-6 teachers should know CPR for babies, children, and adults, but even high school teachers must be certified for all three age groups (is that a new policy since the “Baby Einstein” generation of geniuses?).

-          You only need one certification to teach secondary education, but you have to pass multiple state assessment exams for every subject that you might teach (so, English and French for me, with 4 exams for each). Oh, wait! And there’re 5 other exams to take, too!

Post-Christmas Festivities

Post-Christmas Fun

Our post-Christmas family time afforded us the heartwarming yet bittersweet opportunity to celebrate Marvin and Susan’s 25^th wedding anniversary, which Susan missed by just one week. The blended (salad bowl theory, not melting pot theory) Rytting-Monson clan assembled at a luxurious vacation resort in Newport Cove, both to commemorate the silver anniversary and to recommit to family unity.

Among tidal pools and seagulls, we enjoyed a gorgeous first morning at the beach. The golden sunlight and vibrant waves lit up the backdrop of many choice family pictures, but still technology could not quite capture the calm and bliss that illuminated these December beach-goers. The atmosphere truly seemed to represent Susan’s lifelong Mother’s Day wish for peace. What a fitting way to honor both an inspirational marriage and an inspirational person!

Here are some other clues to our activities during this fun-filled family anniversary.

-          Have you ever posed in front of a Christmas tree with your feet in the sand? And have you ever actually seen Santa’s sleigh, much less his skiff?

-          How many muscles did Nick and company crush? How many muscles did Lauren feed to seagulls?

-          What was the best part of lunch at the Shake Shack—the fabulous shakes or the darling bouquets that Trevyn brought his mommy?

-          How many kids thought that they should have rights to—or possession of—Jonathan’s new collection of cars?

-          Who did Papa spoil with a Wii gaming console and several new games (and does Papa Claus have a skiff)?

-          Which person found his height advantageous when playing tetherball against the rising generation? (And which toddler nearly received a head wound during the game?)

-          The two adult sports fans challenged each other to a game with sticks and balls, but it wasn’t baseball. What was it?

-          Which child did not buy a book but still spent his/her Borders allowance?

-          How many people finished their entrées at the Cheesecake Factory, and how many people ordered dessert?

-          How many charms are on Kristina’s aunt bracelet? How many birthstones?

-          Some of the family prolonged the vacation in favor of celebrating New Year’s Eve at Disneyland. Which child stayed in the actual park past midnight?

-          What rides at Disneyland and California Adventure Land will Arianna ride, but her older cousins will not?

-          Which character did Carlos kiss, and which did he diss?

-          How many times did Keyne go on Soarin’?

Quote of the Week

“Oh, Mommy! You can have hugs from me to you!”  -Carlos

Christmas Highlights

We are progressing far enough from December 25^th that is it time to stop recovering memories in favor of highlighting some of our favorite events during the Christmas week.

-          Old people. It was a special privilege to enjoy Christmastime with my grandparents. Some of my favorite memories from the whole 2009 holiday season came as I observed my children seeking out their “greats” for stories and snuggles. Arianna especially loved Great-grandma’s magical back tickling.

-          Food. I suppose food appears on many of our lists, and it will always appear on mine. We feasted on a lavish ham and turkey Christmas dinner, which helped to offset our prodigal consumption of Heidi’s cookies.

-          Scarves. Thanks to the proceeds of her 25^th birthday celebration, Heidi’s neck will be very, very warm this winter.

-          Acquire. Was it luck or the MBA advantage that allowed Kirk to dethrone David as CEO of capitalism? I was pleasantly relieved to find that the game is easier than it appears, and I made out better than Arie’s post-crash college fund.

-          The Dream House. That Santa guy really took Arie’s letter to heart. He answered her wish for a “surprise” with Barbie’s snazzy Dream Townhouse, complete with elevator and hot tub. Now I know what to ask for next year...

-          Kachow. That’s right. Now the boy with the Lightning McQueen Power Wheels also has a Lightning McQueen bike! Not quite the adult-size motorcycle that Carlos really wanted, but the Chubber was more than satisfied.

-          Clean is our family tradition. Not ours, but the Bissells.’ Mommy thanks her three mess makers for the deep-cleaning antidote to a family. For my birthday, I’d like the attachment that does kids.

-          The world’s a stage. Kirk was flattered when homebody Lauren took him on a date to see the theater production of “The Lion King.” Watch out next Halloween! He may have discovered his costume inspiration in Scar’s elaborate ensemble.

-          Jingle Bells. Carlos, who previously resisted learning Christmas carols, became a great defender of this simple (and somewhat outmoded) song. Don’t sing hosannas to any other tune or he might tackle you.

-          Playmates. From park equipment to balloon animals, Arie and Carlos rekindled long-distance friendships with the next generation of DHS students.

-          IHOP. Thanks to regulars and first-time attendees, our DHS mini-reunion was nothing short of spectacular. It’s fascinating to watch each other grow up, and I loved catching up on our varied interests and jobs.

The Christmas List

People make up all kinds of reasons to NOT move: “We just remodeled the kitchen;” “I’ve put a lifetime of sweat into getting this yard perfect;” “We couldn’t hope for better neighbors anywhere else.”

I’ve discovered a new reason: “The list for our Christmas letter exceeded 400 families this year, and we can’t afford to make any more friends.”

Yes, it’s true. When it’s time for Santa to put coordinates into his GPS, he requests our address list.

In eight years of marriage, Kirk and I have made 5 out-of-state moves and 3 local moves. This means that, aside from our considerable list of relatives, we have at least five different sets of neighborhood, church, and school friends. Add to that the friends that one of us (ah-hem) still contacts from the pre-marriage days, and you’ve got a list of, at last estimate, 423 people.

Not 423 names. People. People that we cherish, people to whom we send birthday cards, people that we poke on facebook. People who deserve so much more than what the $.44 postage delivers (cumulatively, that’s more than $180, not including international stamps).

So, here is my message to the world. And to my husband. NO MORE MOVES! And merry Christmas.

11 January 2010 Pre-Christmas Festivities

Pre-Christmas Festivities

Kirk returned from his jaunt to snowy Québec just in time repack his suitcase and start heading northeast again. With barely adequate room for oxygen intake, we urged our at-capacity vehicle up I-15 to the urban duck pond better known as Orem, Utah, home to Brad & Sharon Monson. Happily, we arrived in time to help decorate the tree, minus a few ornaments that we rendered irreparable.

The kids were supercharged with Christmas-induced excitement, which heightened the following day when they caught sight of their 5 cousins. I could say that the next couple of days were filled primarily with ear-shattering squeals and brain-numbing thumps (up and down and up and down and up and down the stairs), but there were additional high points as well. Here are some of my favorites.

Sharon’s Southern roots. We feasted on a wonderfully scrumptious breakfast—eggs with sass!

  Sunday roast. In the Gospel of Kirk, this equates with contentment and family unity.

  Biting winter air and twinkling lights. We visited Temple Square’s multi-chromatic display of Christmas illumination.

 Christmas carols and plenty of presents. It was so perfect of Sharon to schedule our own MoTab caroler for a few favorite songs just before the wrapping paper began to fly!

  

 Happy Anniversary at Los Hermanos. We celebrated Brad and Sharon’s 5^th wedding anniversary at one of our favorite places.

  Mucus, not slime. An unexpected window of free time allowed us to enjoy “The Princess and the Frog” with Kirk’s sister, Kristina. We entered with low expectations but exited in an aura of pleasant surprise. All of that Southern cookin’ and talkin’ filled Kirk with wistful memories of Mississippi.

Mooorrre cousins?!  Yes, my child: this is what it is to be Mormon. We spent a couple of loud but happy hours with Kirk’s Nordfelt relatives. (Thanks to Deb and Allen for being our gracious hosts.) Lauren enchanted baby Cortney with her own impromptu mix of Crybaby Rock Songs.

Downtime with the Goofs. Kirk didn’t realize that my brother David was once an enthusiastic follower of “Goof Troop” until David sat our kids down to “A Goofy Movie.” Thanks to David and Heidi for sleeping space, clementines, and Cap’n Crunch. Heidi, we’re sorry that we made you cook us breakfast on your birthday!  :{

Nighttime munchies. One thing that I like about my aunt Eileen is that she’s not frightened by spontenaity. When you only give her a few minutes’ notice that you’re dropping by for hot chocolate, she says, “Sure.” I was so relieved that we were able to deliver Maya Doggy’s Christmas present in person. Kirk was right when he urged me to buy the sparsely-toothed dog a small candy cane bone.

Little Fatty. We like Asher, our first Bayles cousin. At least, we like him right now. He’s nice and plump, and you just can’t help but love that what-are-you-doing-to-me expression that he wears all the time. Maybe the expression is actually a warning, something like the-angels-are-taking-note-on-my-behalf-and-I’ll-get-you-someday. Either way, he’s great. But, Andrew, you’re going to need to shed a few pounds before you’ll fit into his sleepers.

All in all, we had a great visit to Utah. I am grateful for the new Monson tradition (twice makes it so) of gathering for the holidays, and I feel blessed that we were all there. Thanks for making it a priority!

11 January 2010 Holiday Flying

Holiday Flying

So it is significant to note that this Christmas was the first time that we made all of our visits without buying a single plane ticket! Now, I will be the first in line to be thankful for air travel; the past 8 years would have been super lonely if I had never (or rarely) made it West to see my family and friends. But, I have to confess that I am still a little afraid of flying and that I start to feel claustrophobic after about 3 ½ hours of flight. It really is a battle of the mind for me. I was making progress and had become almost comfortable with flying right up until Señor Carlos began verbalizing the sincere desires of his heart. Maybe we should have suspected that he would be a thrill seeker when he was just 9 months old. We took him to a reproduction of the James Bond “Casino Royale” set at Universal Studios, and our tender little baby was ecstatic to witness cars ablaze and grand-scale explosions. (At the other extreme, Arianna was in tears and begged to leave.) To put it simply, Carlos’s daily aspiration is to witness a fiery car crash or—better yet—to be involved in said crash.

It is one thing to have an interest in screeching brakes and compacting metal. It is another thing to apply this reckless obsession to all vehicular interests, especially airplanes. But Carlos can, and does. Consider the following script.

Mommy:  Time to sit down and buckle your seat belt!    

Carlos:  Are we starting to fly?

Mommy:  The airplane is going to drive really fast for a minute, and then it will fly into the air.

Carlos:  Yeah! Our airplane is going to go up, VVVVVVV, flying and flying and then, PPPPPPPPBBBBB, it’s going to CRASH!

Mommy:  No, we’re not going to crash. [Mommy clutches both arm rests].

Carlos:   It’s so COOL, Mom! We’re going to go up, up, up, VVVVVVVV, and then CRASH, PPPPKKKKK, like this! [Hand motions emphasize the plane’s sudden death spiral.]

Carlos spends the rest of the flight pointing to the emergency-landing pictures and indicating that ALL THAT FUN could be ours IF ONLY the plane would crash!

So, Mommy was happy to spend this December on the road rather than in the air.

10 January 2010

Well, it’s been a solid month since the last FHE email, so it must be time to gaze into Sammy the Samsung Monitor's screen once again.

The Christmas season started right away this December, despite our not being quite ready for its many demands. On the 2nd, the Relief Society hosted an elegant dinner and musical production. Then, the ward sponsored its own party on the 11th. This party was ‘by the parents, of the parents, and for the parents:’ One corner of the auditorium featured an ever-rolling video of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” and the walls were decorated in Whoville activities for the many, many children. This tactical engineering produced a blissful rarity: parents/ward members actually carried on productive conversations with minimal interruptions!

One of my favorite adult activities at said party was a super difficult Christmas-themed trivia that included a section on iconic toys that sold out on their first Christmases (think Cabbage Patch dolls). The kids’ favorite party activity involved sitting on Santa’s knee. Arianna delivered her beautifully inscribed wish list to the head elf, and Carlos gave the jolly fat man a high five. Arie requested a Polly Pocket and a SURPRISE for Christmas; Carlos, under pressure from Mommy, ultimately compromised and brought his real wish item—a motorcycle—down a notch to a Lightning McQueen bike.

Evidently despairing because he could not get a White Christmas in California, Kirk ‘went the extra mile’ and scheduled a work trip, not to Medtronic’s hub in frozen Minneapolis, but to near-Arctic Québec! The -26C temperature wasn’t the only thing to love; he also discovered that people’s accents became progressively unintelligible as he traveled north from Montréal to Québec City (think “Têtes à claques,” live and unplugged). So much for being bilingual! Aside from learning a new dialect of French, Kirk also mastered the many usages of Québec’s favorite word, “correct.” If you worry that someone didn’t understand you, you ask if you’re correct. If you want to be clear that you’re feeling just fine, you mention that you’re correct. If you worry that you didn’t park well, you ask your passenger if you’re correct. (Actually, that would have been a good skill for drivers in Michigan.) The uses of this all-comprehending word are...correct!

Kirk’s workweek in a winter wonderland coincided with California’s seemingly tireless ability to provide my own personal ideal of ‘correct’ (above 70F) weather for any season. We spent a couple of the afternoons outdoors selling student-made holiday crafts and parent-made goodies. (Aside from hawking these products, I had the additional pleasure of purchasing Arianna’s Styrofoam wreath for just $8.) 

Then, on Friday, each grade performed in the obligatory winter spectacle. Now, I lived through the transition in academia when religious songs disappeared from December productions, so I wasn’t surprised when Arianna soundly categorized her class’s performance as non-Christmas. I did, however, initially consider calling the principal when she enthusiastically described the content of Second Grade’s Great Début. Let me provide the details that she offered, and you compare your reaction with mine.

1. Theme: cowboys
2. Setting: a saloon
3. Role of [cow]boys: shooting dice and (pretend) drinking alcohol
4. Role of some girls, including Arianna: dancers and entertainers for the boys
5. Role of remaining girls: innocent bystanders
6. Conclusion: cowboys get into a fight and kill everyone on the set

There you have it. My daughter stars as a prostitute to sloshed and penniless, trigger-happy yeehaws. YES! Please think of us when casting and filming the sequel! I THINK NOT.

Well, we sensible parents know that children do not always generate accurate accounts of reality.  So, I put down the phone and waited. The next day, I picked up Arie with a ‘let’s pretend that yesterday never happened’ can-do attitude. “Tell me about what your class is preparing for the performance,” I prodded innocently. She eagerly presented the same facts, this time with the added clarification that, because beer is bad, the boys will be (pretend) drinking wine. Ah, there’s the French moral contribution to this otherwise thoroughly American subject! Good, so we’re starting DARE early these days. 

“Oh, and Mom, I need to wear blue jeans, a black shirt, and a cowboy hat.” This was Wednesday. Thanks for the advance notice. LUCKILY for us, Arie was a cowgirl this Halloween, so I will not throw a fit over the fact that the teachers failed to suggest buying a SPARE COWBOY HAT in October. And, I feel a twinge of relief that I am not expected to dress Arie in a corset and garters on Friday. We’re making progress here. I’m warming up to the idea. After all, you can’t get into too much prostituting trouble in jeans and a t-shirt!

So, I decide to give our fine private school the benefit of the doubt. “Let us try them,” to borrow a phrase. The subject is off-season, the content is unsavory, but we’re gonna trust that it’s all part of a bigger plan. 

Happily, it was. Here are the details that Arianna didn’t provide.

1. “Mommy, because we live in California and everyone here is obsessed with media, our school is presenting a film festival for our winter performance! Every grade will present a different genre of film!”
2. “The principal and my teachers were a little wary about including the Western genre in the festival, but it depicts an important part of American history, and we are, after all, in America.”
3. “So, our movie is ‘The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.’ Sorry that you didn’t catch on when I tried to pronounce ‘Le Bon, le Brute, et le Truand’ in one syllable.”
4. “Although in the movie the cowboys drink and gamble, the boys in my class will actually only sit around a card table and glare menacingly at each other.”
5. “The other dancers and I learned some basic square dancing moves that we’ll perform in the background.”
6. “Unfortunately, the boys still have to kill everyone, since that is an essential part of the movie. But the principal will preface this by urging the parents to see past the violence and appreciate the artistry. After all, Mom, French people are even more adverse to violence than you are.”

In the end, the second grade’s production was not the highlight of the show, but it succeeded in NOT initiating a flurry of concerned calls from parents. The other performances complemented (or at least justified) the Western indulgence in what became a pleasant panorama of Film’s great genres. Of them, classes represented the documentary (“Earth”); action (“Kung-fu Panda”); spy and thriller (“The Pink Panther”); moving pictures (Charlie Chaplin’s “Modern Times”); romance (“Beauty and the Beast”); historical and classical drama (“The Three Musketeers”); and musicals (“Grease”).

So, the festival was a success. And, ironically, the only indecorous part came, not from the prodigal Western scene, but from the startled music teacher. When called upon to provide a spontaneous comedic interlude, she could only remember one joke: “What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Oh, dam.”

Well, I have blah-blahed this long and only made it through one week’s stories. Fortunately for you, my commitment to writing newsy FHE updates is not as great as my affection for my bed. So, we will both rest our eyes (though maybe in different ways) until next time...